Rubbing Alcohol is Dangerous for your Relationship?

You heard it. You’d probably experienced it. Deep inside, you never thought it would be a big deal until it happened to you. There is a reason why men do not have a beauty kit in their bag and that’s because carrying these things could cause major chaos on your relationship.

Here’s an example:

You have a girlfriend. Unfortunately, she’s sick. Despite that, she agreed to go out with you. Sure, she sneezes and coughs, but she wants to be happy and that’s why she’s with you. Men have the right to be happy when this happens (unless the girl is cranky). In return, men should act with the 3 C’s – caring, considerate and charming (they were the first adjectives that crossed my mind) towards their sick women.

This is where the alcohol kicks in.

All that coughing forced her to go to a convenience store to perhaps buy water, fruit drinks, or medicines. While she is buying, you suddenly grabbed rubbing alcohol (worse, hand sanitizer) and handed it to the cashier. She’ll look at you with conviction and WHAM, your date is over.

Interpretation: Grabbing that means you find your chick icky. Sure, you could give that to her as precaution but girls will feel that as humiliating. And if you bought that for yourself, you just made it worse. Regardless of how and when you’ll use that, it is either “he’ll apply that solution AFTER we part ways” or “he saw my situation and he wants none of it which basically means I for him is a living precautionary measure”.

Regardless how unafraid you are to hold hands with her, embrace her, and kiss her while she’s sneezing her brains out, making her think of herself as an ecosystem of bacteria will destroy your lovey-doveyness.

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When Work Gets on the Way

Your date gets postponed because your girl is stuck at work.

Who’s to blame?

That would be you... if you make a big deal out of it.

There is a fine line between making “love” and making money. Not unless you are some sort of sultan of an oil-rich country will you have the power to abduct her from the thing that pains her the most. Admit it, your salary might be less than hers so asking her to ditch work over you is stupid... even if she loves you. Everyone has had their share of disappointments but get this: if that person cares about you she’ll surely suffer from guilt... even if it is not her fault that she had to double her working hours. The next thing you know, she’ll be buying you a new shirt... or treating you to an awesome dinner. Maybe a movie, a drink, or something cool you have been yearning.

The only thing I’m trying to say here is that the patient ones get lucky.

Agree to disagree?

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How to Program your Lover

Whether it’s your girlfriend or a plain friend, getting that person to the “program” is a must. This is simply a form of brainwashing to suit your preferences. For example, you hate movies that star Angelina Jolie. Even if your GF likes a particular Angelina Jolie flick, she’ll think twice watching it with you.

The programming starts on your first one-on-one conversation with each other. This is the part that you sure as hell don’t know much about the other and vice versa. The only way your mouths could move... is by saying stuffs to give you the edge on her. This is where the trick starts.

You supply various facts THAT SHE WILL FIND AMUSING. Loving kittens because they are cuddly is nice but loving kittens because a kitten once saved your life from the brink of catastrophe is cool... and at the same time unforgettable.

Using this properly should give you power. As such is this example, where even if you hate going out on Sundays, you surprise her at her house on that day to share a romantic bond with her or perhaps with her family. This sudden revolt from the norm should intensify that feat.

However, this is not a one-way street. For some insane reason, you are also currently under their wicked spell. The most obvious programming women have given to men is that during their periods, you need to STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. When they act like a heinous bitch, it is not them talking but their PMS.

Of course, women exaggerate this. But I am betting none of the guys would dare accuse their women of such.

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The Scary Virgin Age Where doing them means either MATRIMONY or ABSOLUTE PAIN!

I believe in an infallible theory that there are no hot virgins aged 25 and above (my theory should have been 23 and above, but I decided to grant leeway for the benefit of other cultures). I will stand by this rule. The only virgins you see above the “virginal” limit are either very ugly or the types that would likely die an old maid (or would probably marry the first dick that attempts to pursue them in their mid-30’s). Living like an old maid means that the girl might hate men, overly loves women, is overly responsible, or they have yet to lower their expectations.

Returning to the topic, those that prolonged their virginity are trying to find Mr. Right. As the years go by Mr. Right is moving to the realm of Mr. Random Guy... or handsomeguy_1973. When they do find Mr. Right, they fall on the “devil-may-care-but-I-extremely-love-this-guy-route” which is layman’s terms for “damn you, you will never leave me because I will turn psychobitch on your sorry ass to the point you’ll regret hooking up with me on the first place” mode.

Question: Do men love suffocation?

Answer: No.

So imagine these girls’ psyche when you de-virginize them?

Here’s a bracket to further widen your thinking:

0 – 10 years old: I don’t even want to grade this part. As far as I know, this is a crime.
11 – 15 years old: This is a totally normal de-virginizing age... you live inside a jungle.
16 – 20 years old: This is where you get your first. This is also the time you regret on doing your first.
21 – 25 years old: This is when you finished your studies; you finally got the go signal from your parents to live like an adult, you create things that may seem important in today’s society, and this is the perfect time to check out the field.
26 – 30 years old: THE START OF THE DANGER ZONE. Apparently, this is the age the girls that didn’t hook up during the 21-25 period, cram. Unfortunately, success has taken its toll on their faces. The sleepless nights doing paperwork has taken its toll on their beauty regimen. Their face has become so used to makeup that without it they look like a zombie. Their manner of speech has become intimidating and going to clubs is like understanding another culture. Still, your expectation on your first is too high that none of the guys you date stand a chance against you.
31 to 35 years old: You look at your college yearbook and check out all the guys that had a crush on you. All thoughts of your dream guy have lowered. However, come age comes heightened understanding regarding dignity. There will still be guys interested but you cringe at the humiliation.

I don’t want to add more brackets because it seems so sad.

Most likely, what I’m saying is some sort of wild thought that spawned in my brain.

Right?

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Control Your Mouth

It seems like there some sort of madness that’s about to erupt on your relationship. You’re extremely pissed and you are about to embark on a first of many negative reactions.

Before you tell, nay screeeeeeeeaaaaaaam at your beau telling her you do not deserve the silent treatment and the not-so-understandable bitchiness... DON’T. Women, as programmed by our forefathers, are crazy. Just when you think they are going to go “amazon” on your fat ass, they all of a sudden give you a slew of niceness (this is basically the start of Make Up Sex).

Women never seize to amaze me. Their ability to morph their emotions in a rapid pace is a scientific mystery. You have to hand it to them. When men try to pull off this shit they end up doing it badly. We test this all the time with our mothers and while our fathers seem to understand us, it’s hard for them to even try.

Before we unleash a 487-hit combo of hurtful actions and words, men should at least allow a couple of seconds worth of pondering.

This interlude could give you pain... or pleasure.

Your choice.

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The Art of Crumpling Paper

Here’s something I learned.

Is your number attracting a lot of negative vibes?

Negative vibes meaning annoying clients, bitchy girlfriends, and people you want to hide out because they are making you do ghastly favors?

When they ring your phone, answer it. They’ll rant or tell you something they think is appealing.

You get a piece of paper, shape it like a ball, and crumple it endlessly. Then feign that your phone is getting static noises, you’re in a tunnel, or the signal is breaking up.

Sure, this is lame but this actually works… but not all the time. I had a client call me a couple of hours later because I was eating out with my girl. While he thinks I am fine listening to his "situation" that only I could solve, I actually was pissed. I used the Crumpling Paper technique that bought me time to have a quiet dinner and the interval between that call and the next call lasted around two hours. Not much but not bad too.

If you need an excuse, a quick fix could be your under a lot of stress because you can’t talk now and you need to shit.

You are a man… it’s easy for you to act flatulent.

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Top Ten: How to know your show band (I mean rock band) sucks.

Each one of us wants to join a band. You are not a man if you haven’t air guitared to anything that makes you headbang and bounce around. Of course, you get lost along the way. Those who actually lived to play for a band might find themselves zoning out to the worst wing of band awesomeness…

SHOWBANDS!

Sure, some showbands are good but some showbands are crap. They merely sing the songs without taking out the hint of karaoke in it. Anyway, you might hand your guitar to an unsuspecting bystander and ask that person if he could bash your head if you all of a sudden happen to play these tunes week in and week out. Anyway, here are the symptoms.

10 You refer yourselves as a showband.
9 Your first set consists of Earth, Wind, and Fire songs while your last set consists of Bee Gees songs (If you’re Filipino… VST& Company).
8 Your getup is shiny.
7 Your retro songs are basically Don’t Call Me Baby, I’m Horny All Night Long, Michael Jackson music and songs “acoustic-ized” by Boyce Avenue.
6 Your hair is well-groomed and you dance the stage but not like Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler but like Adam Lambert.
5 You sing the falsetto, joining the female backup singers, as well as the rap part of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Love Rollercoaster.
4 You often do a song mellow every now and then and it’s either a random R and B song… or David Cook’s Always Be My Baby.
3 You are known in your day job as the guy that sings Dancing Queen.
2 People can hear you singing Pokerface, Love Story, a random Black Eyed Peas song of the past (because you have yet to perfect their current hits) and Jai Ho.
1 You are scared to play in an actual rock bar because people might kill you.

I’m just kidding… being part of any band is cool. Don’t sell yourself out if you think that the rock gods spite you. All you need is awesomeness to pull off what you’re doing.

And maybe, just maybe, you can become the first show band that doesn’t look gay.

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How to use an unusable person so that your group thesis would get a perfect score.

When I was in college my friends and I were partnered up with a loner for our thesis. This person had her boyfriend tagging around with us everywhere we go. We hate it when the person and her BF get all mushy.

One day, we were at our adviser’s office to have our thesis checked when this person all of a sudden cried. This person got us in trouble by telling the prof she’s not getting any of the action. While we were open to suggestions, her suggestions… were basic and safe while the rest of the group wanted to stand out and NOT look normal. Our prof then demanded us to let her join the “fun”. We agreed… after me and my groupmates shouted and spurted foul language in our campus corridor. Being the guy that rarely gets pissed; I decided to “use” the person to our advantage. Since she’s the “obsessive-compulsive” type, we gave her all the data that we researched and she typed them. She facilitated our focus group discussions which she loved and we loathe (acting nice to people I don’t know is rarely in my vocabulary). Whenever we needed money, we’ll ask her FIRST and she’ll pretty much shoulder the budget (OC’s prefer to act important and most individuals hate shelling out huge chunks of money). We used her boyfriend as our errand guy and the more we used him to our advantage, the less visible he became which pretty much cured their over-mushiness.

The end result? We got a perfect score in our thesis.

The moral lesson: If you don’t want a person to destroy your plans, slave him/her to do things you don’t want to do.

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The three most important places you needed to put man-perfume on

I guess you already know this but for those that don’t…

There are only three important places you needed to put man-perfume on.

Ranking first is the neck area since you’re hoping your scent attracts the opposite gender enough to lip-wrestle with you.

The other most important part to instill scent is at the wrists. Yes, that dainty, hopefully un-hairy part of your arms must have a concoction of happy odor at all times because you’ll use this part to wrap around your lover during romantic moments. When you wrap around your arms on your date, the neck and the wrists act like an aphrodisiac IN STEREO!

This sets up the third most-important part to spray.

What is it? I believe you should know THAT by now.

Hopefully you’ll have the sense to not spray it directly to that area to not have “burning sensations”.

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How to Have Three or More Seats in a Cinema House even if you only Bought 2 Tickets

Unlike the yesteryears, you now need to reserve seats in order to watch a movie. Gone were the days when you can enter the theater in the middle of a screening. That is why you need to plan where you will be sitting.

The trick is simple. First, you need to fall in line and buy a ticket. Then, when it’s your turn, you check out the seats. Regardless of whether or not the cinema house has an aisle, if you want to be alone don’t pick the center spots. I’m not saying it will not work by sitting in the middle but I’m just saying that it’s difficult to space it that way. I’m also washing my hands if this is an I-Max Theatre or a very popular movie playing around the AFTERNOON because the number of people inside might make or break you in successfully doing this equation.

You see, this is meant for you to have a free reign on the events that might or could happen inside the movie theater. Sure, you’ll watch the movie with that sole intent but what if there could be more?

Don’t you want more?

Anyway, a typical cinema house consists of 30 to 40 seats horizontally! HORIZONTALLY! This is the magic word here! If let’s say, a couple would claim the seats A1 and A2, A3 and A4, A5 and A6, and so on and so forth, then there will be 20 couples seating pretty and brushing elbows watching the same movie. But how bout you take… let’s say A38 and A39…

Who in their right mind would sit in A40? This would probably free A37 as well… not unless the moviegoers sitting there is from a pack of three or more.

Watching alone? It’s sad to even think that there is a person who likes to watch movies in a movie theater alone. This person might not know about DVD’s.

If this was a box-office bomb, this will not matter and you’ll probably make out openly without strangers checking you out. However if this is a popular flick, then you’ll find it hard to make out… but at least you won’t put your bag in the movie theatre’s very sticky floor!

Well not unless the person who would sit in that spot is a creepy guy who loves to do “solo” acts in public places.

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Get Her Safe... Mentally

If you don’t own a car, you have no choice but to let your date travel on a cab. When it’s time to say goodbye, it pains you to get her home if your houses are in two different time zones. But news flash, Mr. Smarty Pants because girls… aren’t that naïve and weak! Sure, they’ll want to enter their house with your face sticking out googly-eyed like a very cute doberman but they know we guys are goddamn too cheap to ride a cab to their house where the fare will be quadruple the normal travel fare.

The best way to get her safe without hassles is take her to a neutral zone where there are a bunch of taxis you actually trust (pick those popular taxi brand because they seriously value customer satisfaction). When she rides the cab, you wait for her to leave and as she travel, you text the plate number of the cab and say “Have a safe trip”. You need to check her constantly especially if she’s sleepy or wasted… and when you go home, you inform her.

She’ll probably arrive ahead of you since she rode a taxi and you waited for the cheapest transportation available.

Regardless of what you think, your lady will value this. It’s kinda your fault why it had to be this way because you have no money to own a car.

At least your girl is not blaming you for it.

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The Art of Letting Go

This applies in everything in general. Making things linger makes it even harder to give up. But for the sake of your sanity, among other things, you need to take this out of your system.

Right here, right now.

Quick and heartless… plain and simple.

I’m not talking about romance or anything…

I’m actually talking about VICES.

The best way to kick off the habit is to drop it then and there. However, this is easier said and done. I’d bet none of you asses can break a habit for about a week. This is because you’re thinking that what you’re doing is like a New Year’s Resolution. That shit will never work because we were trained to never make New Year’s Resolutions work! One suggestion is to create a crazy scenario to propel you from achieving what you’re set to accomplish. I call this the “Lesser Evil Approach”.

When I gave up smoking because I had a bout with pneumonia, I said to myself that “I will temporarily stop smoking and eventually I will return”.

I haven’t smoked a cigarette for almost nine months now.

When I gave up going to strip joints, I told myself I will continue to happily look at a naked woman but I will never let myself PAY to look at a naked woman.

It’s been over a year since I’ve been to a strip joint.

Get my drift?

I have yet to give up boozing.

Dammit, as if that’s going to happen.

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The Touch Therapy Theory

This refers to a guy showing affection to a girl through touch. A more scientific term for this is “physical communication”. This is an important part of intimacy because it lets the girl “feel” you. You can talk to your friends… but why the hell should you grope them??? Here, you separate the hot chicks you want to aim and maim from your other female friends that you revere.

We live in world where being touchy means having a life. That is why online romances and long distance relationships are laughable. You can ping, LOL, and smiley face all you want but the online world will always be fake.

Touch Therapy works well in acting like a harmful friend (a harmful friend refers to the guy you think likes you but all he says are mere hints). This is important because you can ditch the whole courtship process altogether once you do this perfectly. In a school or office setup, touching her anywhere every time you see her will condition the woman of your presence. You don’t need to touch her lovingly. A nudge in the arm or a slight ravage of the hair is enough to get her attention. Just like a dog claiming a reward after perfecting a difficult trick, she’ll get comfortable with your touches. With the right mix of touching and conversation, you’ll attain more.

This will only work though if the “subject” has already been programmed extensively. You need to create a timetable on how and when you’ll do this. You’ll find time mapping very tricky. You must find out if what you’re doing is enough… or too much. Not having enough means an uneasy working environment. Having too much time doing the touching means you might have “expired” your chances to own her.

The other great thing about Touch Therapy is that this is not a skill made exclusive for girl-crazy men.

For all the single people, YES, this is the time to check out every hot woman near you!

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How can a man win a lovers quarrel?

First of all, unless it is academic, you will never win. Even if it’s academic, the guilt she’ll give you for making the argument in the first place will haunt you. Chivalry is not dead. We are just “attempting” to forget its existence. We have to let women win because:

a) They have the ability to break up with you and people will still side with them.
b) There is no Letter B.
c) Men get emotional during quarrels that they can resort to touching which if not handled properly could lead to violence.
d) If you let her win, it usually leads to making out but if you let yourself win, you’ll probably romance yourself FOR A NUMBER OF WEEKS!

However, for some insane reason, planet earth has been spawning A LOT of understanding women. This current breed has the ability to withstand simple understandings and be open-minded to the yearnings of men. We love these kinds of women because men have the tendency to like things that understand our psyche.

Be wary of these types though. They understand you for a reason. If they don’t mind your addiction to video games, it’s just because they are addicted with shopping. So if she allows you to womanize, then she’ll probably…

You know where I’m getting at, right?

Stereotypically, men desire the physical aspect of love while the women salivate on the emotional side. Once the woman has worn out of your dumb antics, (forgetting her birthday, always begging for sex, etc.) she’ll beat you senseless… and leave you clueless.

That’s hard.

Do you still want to win?

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Eating in Expensive Places Alone is GAY!

Don’t consider yourself as a man if you like to eat in expensive places… alone. Yes, “alone” is the key word here. Eating in high-end places is meant only to show off and act rich. Even rich people resort to fast food joints to quench their appetites. Unless there is no other alternative, do not consider yourself as a man.

However, there are exceptions to the rule. James Bond never had a buddy when he shows up on functions. Eating alone is synonymous to pimping yourself. You just need to pimp yourself to the right people.

How would you know you’re attracting the right people?

Your pants are bulking up on the zipper area… instead of theirs.

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Trademark

It’s easy to differentiate Coke from Pepsi… if they have their labels. Whether it’s an accessory, an attitude, a gesture, or a catchphrase, you need to have some ability or liability to make yourself stand out.

As a man, you need to use your trademarks as plus points. Even the gayest of trademarks can become manly given the right approach. So what if you play with your sister’s Barbie? You are just researching on how to become a pervert!

You can also invent your trademarks. With this you can become one great living urban legend. You are exposing your sad and pathetic life if you reveal this as false.

If people really think that your lie is real; make sure it stays that way.

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Pimping oneself

The first thing you need to learn is how to pimp yourself. How can you score chicks when the only peons that think you’re cool are those creatures with dicks! Take Adam Sandler for instance. Who ever thought the egg-headed stand-up could become a leading man? Of course, everyone near him thought he was talented. The persons near you should also feel that about you.

Geeks aren’t that disgusting now since they will eventually inherit the spoils of technology. There will still be jocks… and they’ll likely excel in sports or doing construction, call center and sales jobs (I wanted to write “army” but I don’t want to touch on that subject). Guys will still find women puzzling and we will continue to make them like our sports, porn, and lifestyle… much to their chagrin.

But one thing is certain: girls will like you for who you are and it’s in your hands if you want to be pleasing or annoying.

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