Friday 6 May 2011

Worst Elevator Action Ever



There are questions not worth asking.

There are questions with no right answer.

There are questions we can never consider as beneficial to one’s health and in fact these questions are enough to make people go insane.

Remember this guy...





And you have to remember this guy! 

He will leave you (at least his true essence will leave you) if you successfully and diligently answer this question with no shadow of gunpoint... or a very, very hefty reward.





Game over.

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Top Ten: Worst Celebrity Crush Conversation Starters



This is a rehash of my 2005 article posted on my Multiply site. Sure, it’s corny and you might find this un-funny but... give me a break for I’m mentally unstable.

Imagine if you’re stuck in an elevator with your showbiz crush?

It can be an awkward moment... especially if you look like a crazed maniac.

But what will you do when the situation arises that you need to speak to each other to shield your selves from further panic?

Or better yet... what can you NOT say to further induce panic?


10 I had a wet dream about you once...

9 Would you like to do with a non-celebrity?

8 I don’t really think you’re a good actress but at least you’re wonderful to look at.

7 You looked so nice then. Why did you let yourself go!?!

6 I received an email of you once. Was that Adobe Photoshopped or you were too drunk to remember that night?

5 Media taught me that actresses are either dumb or horny. I wish you were both.

4 Just curious... but did it ever occur to you that breast exposures are career boosters?

3 Wow you’re in the business for more than three years now and all you do are supporting roles. You should go back to school, or get impregnated, or migrate, or start a business! That’s what I call fallback!

2 (to the girl) I just realized that you looked a lot like my ex-girlfriend.

1 (to the girl) I just realized that you looked a lot like my ex-boyfriend.



If this you said this and you didn’t get slapped, she didn’t have you arrested, or she didn’t kick your balls with extreme gusto, then you might have other things that you can add.

Contribute!

Game over.

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Top Ten: Quick and Easy Valentine’s Day gifts



This is a rehash of my 2005 article posted on my Multiply site. Sure, it’s corny and you might find this un-funny but... give me a break for I’m mentally unstable.

Funny how I made this as a gag for my ex. This is my miser self checking out inexpensive gift suggestions. This is the updated version...


If you like what you see, good for you.

Just don’t expect to get some.


10 Give her a rock with the words “I Love You” crudely painted over it. Even in this age, rocks can still work.

9 Give her any pirated DVD movie or series that doesn’t offend her. If you’re not the betting type, I can never go wrong with Superbook and Flying House.

8 Make her a poem... and then insert food with it. In my case, I have to find a way to place a two-piece fried chicken karaage meal with the poem.

7 Give her flours. No grammar police officers, I really mean flours. My GF likes to bake stuffs...

6 Give her healing patches, ointments, and medicinal creams. Especially when her back is aching with all the baking. You can never go wrong with remedies.

5 Give her office supplies. Give her a notebook, a puncher, a stapler, a mousepad or anything that she can see in her desk that will remind her that you spent 15 minutes of your time inside a bookstore.

4 Give her petroleum jelly... especially for the lips because studies show that this is better than chopstick. What were you thinking?

3 Give her a bunch of heart-shaped Mentos chewable candy. Give her many flavors and colors to choose from. You can achieve the heart-shaped parts by eating the edges.

2 Give her anything that graced your hand. Pack it wonderfully (and in some cases just making it glisten) and that should do the trick.

1 Give her a hug, a kiss, and shout the words “I Love You” part in front of everyone. The cuter you do this the more she’ll forget that you didn’t get her anything... or the fact that you are very, very poor.  


I doubt if she’ll look at you as the twin brother of Zac Efron (that is why I didn't put your naked picture as a possible gift suggestion)... but this is better than getting looked at in a pretty putrid manner.

Game over.

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Thursday 5 May 2011

The Expendables is not a date movie!



Movie dates are fun ways to spend which your lover. However, you need to check out what movie to watch. Unless specified, girls will let the guys pick, especially if the date is more of a spur of a moment one.

Anything that has Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Stone Cold Steve Austin is NOT a date movie. Sure, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis can be tolerated... if they don’t carry guns. Too much violence will make them queasy. Too much machismo will alienate them. Unless you are dating a girl that is manlier than you, these movies are for other people.

Still though, this is no reason not to pick the movie. The Expendables is a man’s movie that any man, given the chance, should watch.

Expect pain though.

Expect.

Game over.

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About Us

What you’re about to see right now are my real-life experiences. I can’t say if my tips and theories work. That’s why you have the discretion to believe.

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