Worst Elevator Action Ever

There are questions not worth asking.

There are questions with no right answer.

There are questions we can never consider as beneficial to one’s health and in fact these questions are enough to make people go insane.

Remember this guy...

And you have to remember this guy! 

He will leave you (at least his true essence will leave you) if you successfully and diligently answer this question with no shadow of gunpoint... or a very, very hefty reward.

Game over.

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Top Ten: Worst Celebrity Crush Conversation Starters

This is a rehash of my 2005 article posted on my Multiply site. Sure, it’s corny and you might find this un-funny but... give me a break for I’m mentally unstable.

Imagine if you’re stuck in an elevator with your showbiz crush?

It can be an awkward moment... especially if you look like a crazed maniac.

But what will you do when the situation arises that you need to speak to each other to shield your selves from further panic?

Or better yet... what can you NOT say to further induce panic?

10 I had a wet dream about you once...

9 Would you like to do with a non-celebrity?

8 I don’t really think you’re a good actress but at least you’re wonderful to look at.

7 You looked so nice then. Why did you let yourself go!?!

6 I received an email of you once. Was that Adobe Photoshopped or you were too drunk to remember that night?

5 Media taught me that actresses are either dumb or horny. I wish you were both.

4 Just curious... but did it ever occur to you that breast exposures are career boosters?

3 Wow you’re in the business for more than three years now and all you do are supporting roles. You should go back to school, or get impregnated, or migrate, or start a business! That’s what I call fallback!

2 (to the girl) I just realized that you looked a lot like my ex-girlfriend.

1 (to the girl) I just realized that you looked a lot like my ex-boyfriend.

By the way, this is the original article.

If this you said this and you didn’t get slapped, she didn’t have you arrested, or she didn’t kick your balls with extreme gusto, then you might have other things that you can add.

Contribute!

Game over.

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Top Ten: Quick and Easy Valentine’s Day gifts

This is a rehash of my 2005 article posted on my Multiply site. Sure, it’s corny and you might find this un-funny but... give me a break for I’m mentally unstable.

Funny how I made this as a gag for my ex. This is my miser self checking out inexpensive gift suggestions. This is the updated version...

This WAS the older version.

If you like what you see, good for you.

Just don’t expect to get some.

10 Give her a rock with the words “I Love You” crudely painted over it. Even in this age, rocks can still work.

9 Give her any pirated DVD movie or series that doesn’t offend her. If you’re not the betting type, I can never go wrong with Superbook and Flying House.

8 Make her a poem... and then insert food with it. In my case, I have to find a way to place a two-piece fried chicken karaage meal with the poem.

7 Give her flours. No grammar police officers, I really mean flours. My GF likes to bake stuffs...

6 Give her healing patches, ointments, and medicinal creams. Especially when her back is aching with all the baking. You can never go wrong with remedies.

5 Give her office supplies. Give her a notebook, a puncher, a stapler, a mousepad or anything that she can see in her desk that will remind her that you spent 15 minutes of your time inside a bookstore.

4 Give her petroleum jelly... especially for the lips because studies show that this is better than chopstick. What were you thinking?

3 Give her a bunch of heart-shaped Mentos chewable candy. Give her many flavors and colors to choose from. You can achieve the heart-shaped parts by eating the edges.

2 Give her anything that graced your hand. Pack it wonderfully (and in some cases just making it glisten) and that should do the trick.

1 Give her a hug, a kiss, and shout the words “I Love You” part in front of everyone. The cuter you do this the more she’ll forget that you didn’t get her anything... or the fact that you are very, very poor.  

I doubt if she’ll look at you as the twin brother of Zac Efron (that is why I didn't put your naked picture as a possible gift suggestion)... but this is better than getting looked at in a pretty putrid manner.

Game over.

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The Expendables is not a date movie!

Movie dates are fun ways to spend which your lover. However, you need to check out what movie to watch. Unless specified, girls will let the guys pick, especially if the date is more of a spur of a moment one.

Anything that has Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Stone Cold Steve Austin is NOT a date movie. Sure, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis can be tolerated... if they don’t carry guns. Too much violence will make them queasy. Too much machismo will alienate them. Unless you are dating a girl that is manlier than you, these movies are for other people.

Still though, this is no reason not to pick the movie. The Expendables is a man’s movie that any man, given the chance, should watch.

Expect pain though.

Expect.

Game over.

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How to make your girlfriend hate her celebrity crush

If you wonder how, it’s actually pretty easy. One of these days your girlfriend will go googly-eyed on some gymrat that you’ll likely loathe. Just because he has washboard abs and all you got are stretch marks, rashes, and a ginormous belly, that does not mean that he is the more superior Adonis (haha on the use of a Manila-based gaybar). Hey, it’s alright for a person to have a crush, right.

It’s only a crush… they like the person because he is so star-crossed that your GF befriending him or her (yum) would likely make the heavens turn yellow-orange. Don’t worry if he meets him though because we all know all celebrities are ultra vain. Girls don’t like that. It’s true, right?

Like I said – it’s pretty easy. Perhaps the biggest thing you could wallop to her senses is that you look like her crush. Even if your tummy is bigger than your man-boobs, you say your body is as yummy as her crush! Even if your face has unsavoury patches of facial hair, you say your face is as dreamy as her crush.
I did that to her when she mentioned Daniel Matsunaga and she has began to hate him ever since (Google if you don’t know him).

Sure, for guys with Scandinavian blood, built like a Norse god like me, it’s a bit of a downgrade than an upgrade. It’s not even an act of jealousy. You just do this because you diss her. Mad as it seems but you’ll love her reaction every time you do this.

I am 100 percent sure that It’s not “angry, furious, devil-will-definitely-cry” mad but the “cutesy” love that every male likes.

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75, 50 and eww… 25 (the hotness levels regarding 3-on-3 dates)

When I was barely out of college, my cousins went to a place called Padi’s Point Calamba to hunt chicks. My cousin acquainted us to three women, one of whom is his lovemonkey (for lack of better term). Taking one for the team was the responsibility of my other cousin because I scrapped and scuffled to wiggle away from the sights of the ugly chick.

I got the 50 percent attractive girl… in that 3-girl group. Yes… ONLY in that group.

Hence the title!

Fact is, just because jugs were presented wholeheartedly (or lack thereof), this doesn’t mean that you have to think of it as a gift. During 3-on-3’s the most likely victor is the person that can play arbiter to both parties. One of my biggest turn-offs is icky speech patterns either presented via the rural-ness of the person or a chimp trying to learn how to talk. The guy that got the 75 was angry at me for not having the balls and the stomach to score the bitch but hey, honestly it was like seducing a wet Doberman. My “dissention” meanwhile helped the guy that got the 25 percent because no matter how strong his beer is, the stigma of that face doing devious acts on his face seemed very wrong.

No soap can pull the shame off.

When only one of the three people involved will actually have fun, a domino effect could ensue or the OK party could cut his ties then and there. Just because you don’t have a monster for a date that doesn’t mean you have to leave your 75. So is the 75, 50, 25 face range bad for 3-on-3’s? Not really if you think about it. You just have to make sure that the 25 is actually 6/10 in the hotness scale and not a 2/10 that you’ll probably more or less encounter.

If the 50 is a 2/10, you need to punch the guy that had the 75 in the face because only kamikaze pilots or gravely-ill patients would agree to be put in such quandary.

Word of advice: Just be lucky in the luck of the draw.

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The morning breath is the morning’s glory!

The ickier your breath smells, the more they’ll want to eat you.

Couples, with the exemption of the married and those that are living together (basically these are the couples that had gone sick looking at each other), rarely get the chance to sleep with each other. Sure, you can actually try your best impersonation of air to wrestle out of her cudgels but when she wakes up and you’re not there, you’ll wreck the moment… all because you want to brush.

Honestly it’s not like your breath reeks like a family of dead rats when you wake up because frankly… no human being has the scent of freshly-picked flowers at the hint of sunrise. You can brush that away before sleeping but consider the events before you sleep… and spoon. Let’s face facts here: regardless on how you planned your rendezvous you have to remember that the events that would make you sleep together are spontaneous, risky, romantic, and always-promising. Will you risk veering away from a snuggle just to slime your toothbrush with a minty-fresh gel?

Well, you could risk acting girly and very hygienic by brushing after sex so when you wake up there is a semblance of menthol surrounding your gums but the confident ones… I MEAN THE MANLY, BEER-GUZZLING, BITCH-HUNTING, DEVIL MAY CARE BASTARDS will absolutely, beyond the shadow of doubt, unleash the animalistic tendencies they possess WITH CLEANLINESS AND SANITATION THE LEAST OF THEIR WORRIES!

SO imagine this scenario: both of you waking up glad to be in the arms of one another saying sweet nothings, planning anew… and all of a sudden… BLAM!

Do you honestly believe that how your breath smells matter at this point?

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Hide Your Damn Filth!

Regardless of how you think, don’t you ever expect your woman to enjoy your dirty crap! Sure, they expect you to have them and they’ll sometimes think that your collection is cool (unless it is sticky or your room smells like bleach), but just because they embrace them that doesn’t mean you have to flaunt it in front of them!

And by the way, OPEN YOUR WINDOW TO LET OUT THAT SMELL!

Ehem.

Women as explained earlier in this blog are crazy beings that aim to destroy the psyche of men! Imagine their reaction when you enjoy looking at other women instead of them. Either they’ll think you don’t like them anymore or these paraphernalia would get them insecure. Here’s an analogy for you: a new cuddly puppy and your pet Doberman that you don’t put on a leash. What happens when the Doberman gets envious?

CANNABALISM!

Girls are kind of like that but instead of biting on your porn, their aim is to tear you down! One minute they’ll drool on how hot Olivia Wilde is, the next moment they’ll performing an earful in the side of your skull on how perverted you are... and this is not the good version. Reading a confession session could give you an edge to those you don’t kiss but for someone you actually do, you’re playing inside the wrong side of the spectrum. Has the words “I am not like the women in your videos/mags/JPEGS you jack off every time” mean anything to you? I haven’t encountered a GF that would burn my men’s mags or trash my CD’s and DVD’s (even VHS) but I heard tales of epic battles that started because of these weapons for mass-turbation.

If your girl loves what they’re seeing, this might actually be a bad thing because this means your girl has a tendency to get adventurous. And honestly, even the sleaziest of women will find it offensive if you prefer someone else’s jugs over theirs. Regardless of print, TV, or online, let these forms of pleasure be exclusive only to your boy talk!

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Rubbing Alcohol is Dangerous for your Relationship?

You heard it. You’d probably experienced it. Deep inside, you never thought it would be a big deal until it happened to you. There is a reason why men do not have a beauty kit in their bag and that’s because carrying these things could cause major chaos on your relationship.

Here’s an example:

You have a girlfriend. Unfortunately, she’s sick. Despite that, she agreed to go out with you. Sure, she sneezes and coughs, but she wants to be happy and that’s why she’s with you. Men have the right to be happy when this happens (unless the girl is cranky). In return, men should act with the 3 C’s – caring, considerate and charming (they were the first adjectives that crossed my mind) towards their sick women.

This is where the alcohol kicks in.

All that coughing forced her to go to a convenience store to perhaps buy water, fruit drinks, or medicines. While she is buying, you suddenly grabbed rubbing alcohol (worse, hand sanitizer) and handed it to the cashier. She’ll look at you with conviction and WHAM, your date is over.

Interpretation: Grabbing that means you find your chick icky. Sure, you could give that to her as precaution but girls will feel that as humiliating. And if you bought that for yourself, you just made it worse. Regardless of how and when you’ll use that, it is either “he’ll apply that solution AFTER we part ways” or “he saw my situation and he wants none of it which basically means I for him is a living precautionary measure”.

Regardless how unafraid you are to hold hands with her, embrace her, and kiss her while she’s sneezing her brains out, making her think of herself as an ecosystem of bacteria will destroy your lovey-doveyness.

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When Work Gets on the Way

Your date gets postponed because your girl is stuck at work.

Who’s to blame?

That would be you... if you make a big deal out of it.

There is a fine line between making “love” and making money. Not unless you are some sort of sultan of an oil-rich country will you have the power to abduct her from the thing that pains her the most. Admit it, your salary might be less than hers so asking her to ditch work over you is stupid... even if she loves you. Everyone has had their share of disappointments but get this: if that person cares about you she’ll surely suffer from guilt... even if it is not her fault that she had to double her working hours. The next thing you know, she’ll be buying you a new shirt... or treating you to an awesome dinner. Maybe a movie, a drink, or something cool you have been yearning.

The only thing I’m trying to say here is that the patient ones get lucky.

Agree to disagree?

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