The Expendables is not a date movie!

Movie dates are fun ways to spend which your lover. However, you need to check out what movie to watch. Unless specified, girls will let the guys pick, especially if the date is more of a spur of a moment one.

Anything that has Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Stone Cold Steve Austin is NOT a date movie. Sure, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis can be tolerated... if they don’t carry guns. Too much violence will make them queasy. Too much machismo will alienate them. Unless you are dating a girl that is manlier than you, these movies are for other people.

Still though, this is no reason not to pick the movie. The Expendables is a man’s movie that any man, given the chance, should watch.

Expect pain though.

Expect.

Game over.

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75, 50 and eww… 25 (the hotness levels regarding 3-on-3 dates)

When I was barely out of college, my cousins went to a place called Padi’s Point Calamba to hunt chicks. My cousin acquainted us to three women, one of whom is his lovemonkey (for lack of better term). Taking one for the team was the responsibility of my other cousin because I scrapped and scuffled to wiggle away from the sights of the ugly chick.

I got the 50 percent attractive girl… in that 3-girl group. Yes… ONLY in that group.

Hence the title!

Fact is, just because jugs were presented wholeheartedly (or lack thereof), this doesn’t mean that you have to think of it as a gift. During 3-on-3’s the most likely victor is the person that can play arbiter to both parties. One of my biggest turn-offs is icky speech patterns either presented via the rural-ness of the person or a chimp trying to learn how to talk. The guy that got the 75 was angry at me for not having the balls and the stomach to score the bitch but hey, honestly it was like seducing a wet Doberman. My “dissention” meanwhile helped the guy that got the 25 percent because no matter how strong his beer is, the stigma of that face doing devious acts on his face seemed very wrong.

No soap can pull the shame off.

When only one of the three people involved will actually have fun, a domino effect could ensue or the OK party could cut his ties then and there. Just because you don’t have a monster for a date that doesn’t mean you have to leave your 75. So is the 75, 50, 25 face range bad for 3-on-3’s? Not really if you think about it. You just have to make sure that the 25 is actually 6/10 in the hotness scale and not a 2/10 that you’ll probably more or less encounter.

If the 50 is a 2/10, you need to punch the guy that had the 75 in the face because only kamikaze pilots or gravely-ill patients would agree to be put in such quandary.

Word of advice: Just be lucky in the luck of the draw.

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Rubbing Alcohol is Dangerous for your Relationship?

You heard it. You’d probably experienced it. Deep inside, you never thought it would be a big deal until it happened to you. There is a reason why men do not have a beauty kit in their bag and that’s because carrying these things could cause major chaos on your relationship.

Here’s an example:

You have a girlfriend. Unfortunately, she’s sick. Despite that, she agreed to go out with you. Sure, she sneezes and coughs, but she wants to be happy and that’s why she’s with you. Men have the right to be happy when this happens (unless the girl is cranky). In return, men should act with the 3 C’s – caring, considerate and charming (they were the first adjectives that crossed my mind) towards their sick women.

This is where the alcohol kicks in.

All that coughing forced her to go to a convenience store to perhaps buy water, fruit drinks, or medicines. While she is buying, you suddenly grabbed rubbing alcohol (worse, hand sanitizer) and handed it to the cashier. She’ll look at you with conviction and WHAM, your date is over.

Interpretation: Grabbing that means you find your chick icky. Sure, you could give that to her as precaution but girls will feel that as humiliating. And if you bought that for yourself, you just made it worse. Regardless of how and when you’ll use that, it is either “he’ll apply that solution AFTER we part ways” or “he saw my situation and he wants none of it which basically means I for him is a living precautionary measure”.

Regardless how unafraid you are to hold hands with her, embrace her, and kiss her while she’s sneezing her brains out, making her think of herself as an ecosystem of bacteria will destroy your lovey-doveyness.

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How to Program your Lover

Whether it’s your girlfriend or a plain friend, getting that person to the “program” is a must. This is simply a form of brainwashing to suit your preferences. For example, you hate movies that star Angelina Jolie. Even if your GF likes a particular Angelina Jolie flick, she’ll think twice watching it with you.

The programming starts on your first one-on-one conversation with each other. This is the part that you sure as hell don’t know much about the other and vice versa. The only way your mouths could move... is by saying stuffs to give you the edge on her. This is where the trick starts.

You supply various facts THAT SHE WILL FIND AMUSING. Loving kittens because they are cuddly is nice but loving kittens because a kitten once saved your life from the brink of catastrophe is cool... and at the same time unforgettable.

Using this properly should give you power. As such is this example, where even if you hate going out on Sundays, you surprise her at her house on that day to share a romantic bond with her or perhaps with her family. This sudden revolt from the norm should intensify that feat.

However, this is not a one-way street. For some insane reason, you are also currently under their wicked spell. The most obvious programming women have given to men is that during their periods, you need to STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. When they act like a heinous bitch, it is not them talking but their PMS.

Of course, women exaggerate this. But I am betting none of the guys would dare accuse their women of such.

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The Scary Virgin Age Where doing them means either MATRIMONY or ABSOLUTE PAIN!

I believe in an infallible theory that there are no hot virgins aged 25 and above (my theory should have been 23 and above, but I decided to grant leeway for the benefit of other cultures). I will stand by this rule. The only virgins you see above the “virginal” limit are either very ugly or the types that would likely die an old maid (or would probably marry the first dick that attempts to pursue them in their mid-30’s). Living like an old maid means that the girl might hate men, overly loves women, is overly responsible, or they have yet to lower their expectations.

Returning to the topic, those that prolonged their virginity are trying to find Mr. Right. As the years go by Mr. Right is moving to the realm of Mr. Random Guy... or handsomeguy_1973. When they do find Mr. Right, they fall on the “devil-may-care-but-I-extremely-love-this-guy-route” which is layman’s terms for “damn you, you will never leave me because I will turn psychobitch on your sorry ass to the point you’ll regret hooking up with me on the first place” mode.

Question: Do men love suffocation?

Answer: No.

So imagine these girls’ psyche when you de-virginize them?

Here’s a bracket to further widen your thinking:

0 – 10 years old: I don’t even want to grade this part. As far as I know, this is a crime.
11 – 15 years old: This is a totally normal de-virginizing age... you live inside a jungle.
16 – 20 years old: This is where you get your first. This is also the time you regret on doing your first.
21 – 25 years old: This is when you finished your studies; you finally got the go signal from your parents to live like an adult, you create things that may seem important in today’s society, and this is the perfect time to check out the field.
26 – 30 years old: THE START OF THE DANGER ZONE. Apparently, this is the age the girls that didn’t hook up during the 21-25 period, cram. Unfortunately, success has taken its toll on their faces. The sleepless nights doing paperwork has taken its toll on their beauty regimen. Their face has become so used to makeup that without it they look like a zombie. Their manner of speech has become intimidating and going to clubs is like understanding another culture. Still, your expectation on your first is too high that none of the guys you date stand a chance against you.
31 to 35 years old: You look at your college yearbook and check out all the guys that had a crush on you. All thoughts of your dream guy have lowered. However, come age comes heightened understanding regarding dignity. There will still be guys interested but you cringe at the humiliation.

I don’t want to add more brackets because it seems so sad.

Most likely, what I’m saying is some sort of wild thought that spawned in my brain.

Right?

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The Art of Crumpling Paper

Here’s something I learned.

Is your number attracting a lot of negative vibes?

Negative vibes meaning annoying clients, bitchy girlfriends, and people you want to hide out because they are making you do ghastly favors?

When they ring your phone, answer it. They’ll rant or tell you something they think is appealing.

You get a piece of paper, shape it like a ball, and crumple it endlessly. Then feign that your phone is getting static noises, you’re in a tunnel, or the signal is breaking up.

Sure, this is lame but this actually works… but not all the time. I had a client call me a couple of hours later because I was eating out with my girl. While he thinks I am fine listening to his "situation" that only I could solve, I actually was pissed. I used the Crumpling Paper technique that bought me time to have a quiet dinner and the interval between that call and the next call lasted around two hours. Not much but not bad too.

If you need an excuse, a quick fix could be your under a lot of stress because you can’t talk now and you need to shit.

You are a man… it’s easy for you to act flatulent.

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The three most important places you needed to put man-perfume on

I guess you already know this but for those that don’t…

There are only three important places you needed to put man-perfume on.

Ranking first is the neck area since you’re hoping your scent attracts the opposite gender enough to lip-wrestle with you.

The other most important part to instill scent is at the wrists. Yes, that dainty, hopefully un-hairy part of your arms must have a concoction of happy odor at all times because you’ll use this part to wrap around your lover during romantic moments. When you wrap around your arms on your date, the neck and the wrists act like an aphrodisiac IN STEREO!

This sets up the third most-important part to spray.

What is it? I believe you should know THAT by now.

Hopefully you’ll have the sense to not spray it directly to that area to not have “burning sensations”.

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The Touch Therapy Theory

This refers to a guy showing affection to a girl through touch. A more scientific term for this is “physical communication”. This is an important part of intimacy because it lets the girl “feel” you. You can talk to your friends… but why the hell should you grope them??? Here, you separate the hot chicks you want to aim and maim from your other female friends that you revere.

We live in world where being touchy means having a life. That is why online romances and long distance relationships are laughable. You can ping, LOL, and smiley face all you want but the online world will always be fake.

Touch Therapy works well in acting like a harmful friend (a harmful friend refers to the guy you think likes you but all he says are mere hints). This is important because you can ditch the whole courtship process altogether once you do this perfectly. In a school or office setup, touching her anywhere every time you see her will condition the woman of your presence. You don’t need to touch her lovingly. A nudge in the arm or a slight ravage of the hair is enough to get her attention. Just like a dog claiming a reward after perfecting a difficult trick, she’ll get comfortable with your touches. With the right mix of touching and conversation, you’ll attain more.

This will only work though if the “subject” has already been programmed extensively. You need to create a timetable on how and when you’ll do this. You’ll find time mapping very tricky. You must find out if what you’re doing is enough… or too much. Not having enough means an uneasy working environment. Having too much time doing the touching means you might have “expired” your chances to own her.

The other great thing about Touch Therapy is that this is not a skill made exclusive for girl-crazy men.

For all the single people, YES, this is the time to check out every hot woman near you!

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