How to make your girlfriend hate her celebrity crush

If you wonder how, it’s actually pretty easy. One of these days your girlfriend will go googly-eyed on some gymrat that you’ll likely loathe. Just because he has washboard abs and all you got are stretch marks, rashes, and a ginormous belly, that does not mean that he is the more superior Adonis (haha on the use of a Manila-based gaybar). Hey, it’s alright for a person to have a crush, right.

It’s only a crush… they like the person because he is so star-crossed that your GF befriending him or her (yum) would likely make the heavens turn yellow-orange. Don’t worry if he meets him though because we all know all celebrities are ultra vain. Girls don’t like that. It’s true, right?

Like I said – it’s pretty easy. Perhaps the biggest thing you could wallop to her senses is that you look like her crush. Even if your tummy is bigger than your man-boobs, you say your body is as yummy as her crush! Even if your face has unsavoury patches of facial hair, you say your face is as dreamy as her crush.
I did that to her when she mentioned Daniel Matsunaga and she has began to hate him ever since (Google if you don’t know him).

Sure, for guys with Scandinavian blood, built like a Norse god like me, it’s a bit of a downgrade than an upgrade. It’s not even an act of jealousy. You just do this because you diss her. Mad as it seems but you’ll love her reaction every time you do this.

I am 100 percent sure that It’s not “angry, furious, devil-will-definitely-cry” mad but the “cutesy” love that every male likes.

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75, 50 and eww… 25 (the hotness levels regarding 3-on-3 dates)

When I was barely out of college, my cousins went to a place called Padi’s Point Calamba to hunt chicks. My cousin acquainted us to three women, one of whom is his lovemonkey (for lack of better term). Taking one for the team was the responsibility of my other cousin because I scrapped and scuffled to wiggle away from the sights of the ugly chick.

I got the 50 percent attractive girl… in that 3-girl group. Yes… ONLY in that group.

Hence the title!

Fact is, just because jugs were presented wholeheartedly (or lack thereof), this doesn’t mean that you have to think of it as a gift. During 3-on-3’s the most likely victor is the person that can play arbiter to both parties. One of my biggest turn-offs is icky speech patterns either presented via the rural-ness of the person or a chimp trying to learn how to talk. The guy that got the 75 was angry at me for not having the balls and the stomach to score the bitch but hey, honestly it was like seducing a wet Doberman. My “dissention” meanwhile helped the guy that got the 25 percent because no matter how strong his beer is, the stigma of that face doing devious acts on his face seemed very wrong.

No soap can pull the shame off.

When only one of the three people involved will actually have fun, a domino effect could ensue or the OK party could cut his ties then and there. Just because you don’t have a monster for a date that doesn’t mean you have to leave your 75. So is the 75, 50, 25 face range bad for 3-on-3’s? Not really if you think about it. You just have to make sure that the 25 is actually 6/10 in the hotness scale and not a 2/10 that you’ll probably more or less encounter.

If the 50 is a 2/10, you need to punch the guy that had the 75 in the face because only kamikaze pilots or gravely-ill patients would agree to be put in such quandary.

Word of advice: Just be lucky in the luck of the draw.

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The morning breath is the morning’s glory!

The ickier your breath smells, the more they’ll want to eat you.

Couples, with the exemption of the married and those that are living together (basically these are the couples that had gone sick looking at each other), rarely get the chance to sleep with each other. Sure, you can actually try your best impersonation of air to wrestle out of her cudgels but when she wakes up and you’re not there, you’ll wreck the moment… all because you want to brush.

Honestly it’s not like your breath reeks like a family of dead rats when you wake up because frankly… no human being has the scent of freshly-picked flowers at the hint of sunrise. You can brush that away before sleeping but consider the events before you sleep… and spoon. Let’s face facts here: regardless on how you planned your rendezvous you have to remember that the events that would make you sleep together are spontaneous, risky, romantic, and always-promising. Will you risk veering away from a snuggle just to slime your toothbrush with a minty-fresh gel?

Well, you could risk acting girly and very hygienic by brushing after sex so when you wake up there is a semblance of menthol surrounding your gums but the confident ones… I MEAN THE MANLY, BEER-GUZZLING, BITCH-HUNTING, DEVIL MAY CARE BASTARDS will absolutely, beyond the shadow of doubt, unleash the animalistic tendencies they possess WITH CLEANLINESS AND SANITATION THE LEAST OF THEIR WORRIES!

SO imagine this scenario: both of you waking up glad to be in the arms of one another saying sweet nothings, planning anew… and all of a sudden… BLAM!

Do you honestly believe that how your breath smells matter at this point?

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Hide Your Damn Filth!

Regardless of how you think, don’t you ever expect your woman to enjoy your dirty crap! Sure, they expect you to have them and they’ll sometimes think that your collection is cool (unless it is sticky or your room smells like bleach), but just because they embrace them that doesn’t mean you have to flaunt it in front of them!

And by the way, OPEN YOUR WINDOW TO LET OUT THAT SMELL!

Ehem.

Women as explained earlier in this blog are crazy beings that aim to destroy the psyche of men! Imagine their reaction when you enjoy looking at other women instead of them. Either they’ll think you don’t like them anymore or these paraphernalia would get them insecure. Here’s an analogy for you: a new cuddly puppy and your pet Doberman that you don’t put on a leash. What happens when the Doberman gets envious?

CANNABALISM!

Girls are kind of like that but instead of biting on your porn, their aim is to tear you down! One minute they’ll drool on how hot Olivia Wilde is, the next moment they’ll performing an earful in the side of your skull on how perverted you are... and this is not the good version. Reading a confession session could give you an edge to those you don’t kiss but for someone you actually do, you’re playing inside the wrong side of the spectrum. Has the words “I am not like the women in your videos/mags/JPEGS you jack off every time” mean anything to you? I haven’t encountered a GF that would burn my men’s mags or trash my CD’s and DVD’s (even VHS) but I heard tales of epic battles that started because of these weapons for mass-turbation.

If your girl loves what they’re seeing, this might actually be a bad thing because this means your girl has a tendency to get adventurous. And honestly, even the sleaziest of women will find it offensive if you prefer someone else’s jugs over theirs. Regardless of print, TV, or online, let these forms of pleasure be exclusive only to your boy talk!

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